The Eternal Outsider

I was born at the Air Force base in Chandigarh. My father left the force a couple of years after my birth and we moved around the country while he worked various jobs. Then after he died, I came to live with my grandparents in my hometown. I was ten years old. By this time, I had formed a somewhat confused identity due to all the places I’d lived in, and putting down roots seemed a little difficult.

I would constantly feel like an outsider. I spoke my native tongue like I spoke my second and third languages, clearly but maybe “too clearly for a local guy”. And this affected the way I was perceived in school. People found me weird, I guess, however much I tried to seem normal. It was tough to make friends. I went to a lot of trouble initially to make people happy in the hope of securing their friendship in return. But I soon realized that they just thought I was being too needy. So, I stopped trying so hard.

I stopped trying like 15 years ago. And that shaped my personality for what it is today. My friend circle today is extremely exclusive. I live away from my hometown. I speak three languages fluently. Some might say that I blend well in all environments. Some may disagree. I belong to the latter group. I get along with people anywhere I live, but I never blend. I am always an outsider. And I have become used to that status. Being an outsider has its own set of merits.

The very first merit I can think of is the exposure to new customs. That is something that has helped me a lot in my life on the professional front. My familiarity with so many different cultures and customs helps me understand people's idiosyncrasies. This in turn helps me react appropriately. I am currently working in Sales, which come to think of it, requires a lot of diplomacy and tact. And you can't have tact without having tolerance for certain weird habits that the clients put forward, which are actually just effects of their unique traditions.

Secondly, people associate a certain enigma with "outsiders". This affects the way they treat people. I have always benefited from this phenomenon. My height, build, and foreign name just added to the effect. During my school days, this added to my popularity/infamy. Nowadays, it gets people to remember me.

Apart from all this, my outsider status has also contributed to my point of view about things. It gives me a judge-like perspective as I do not easily associate myself with any one faction. It helps me make better decisions. In fact, my insight is usually uncannily accurate when I analyze people. And it has helped me get out of some seriously sticky situations. But that doesn't mean it is all smooth sailing all along. I have always been a bit of a loner, always a little distant from the people around me. And that is not fun.

Loneliness can really sting at times. I have already discussed my bouts of depression in an earlier post and I feel that my loneliness has a big part to play on that front. But, it is what it is. Not much can be done about it. Even now, when I am actually adulting, not living out of suitcases, and maintaining a household of my own, I still don't feel like I belong in any one place. I visit my hometown and I feel like I am a visitor. In Indore, where I have been posted for months now, I still feel like I am a guest and destined to move away eventually. I have started to come to terms with this and accepted the fact that maybe, I'll never feel at home.

Makes me wonder: "Could I be an alien?!?"