The Need to Feel Special

In one of Shah Rukh Khan's older interviews, he said, "I am Allah's chosen one." Was that arrogance? Or was it just confidence? He did go on to become a star. I am not sure how important a role the fact that he considered himself special played in his stardom, but I'd like to believe that it was one of the factors. When I was five years old, I was admitted to a nursery near our place. I was named Abhishek initially. During the roll call, I realized that I was the eighth Abhishek in my class. The obscurity didn't sit well with me. So, I threw a hissy fit when I got home and forced my father to get my name changed to Ian (which was my nickname) on the school register.

Ever since, that was something I felt special about, my name, which isn't very common in India. I also felt special about my height because all through school, I was the tallest kid in class. Even with the various hardships that I faced in my young life, I never stopped believing that I was special, meant for bigger things. I would always tell everyone that I wanted to become an astronaut. It felt apt for someone "special" like me. I'd imagine being in space, suited in NASA space gear, looking out of the space station with wondrous and adventurous eyes. By the time I reached high school, my aspirations had sobered down a little. I had settled for a scientist, someone who'd explore the mysteries of the universe.

When high school got over and when I scored some seventy off marks in science, I decided that, maybe, it wasn't my cup of tea. I still felt special and it showed in the way I talked, with pomp and showmanship, always excited about things I knew and for my age, I did have a pretty decent base of information, because I used to read a lot. Books, magazines, newspapers, etc, I used to read them all. So, if you met me back in the early 2000s, you'd find me pretty interesting. A few years passed and the internet happened in a big way. That's when I realized that whatever I knew was more often than not, common knowledge. I was well read and while that was impressive for many people, I wasn't a "genius" or an "extraordinary" guy, like I believed I was.

Once that bubble was burst, I started getting depressed. Adding insult to injury, my height was soon becoming less and less impressive. No, I didn't stop growing. In fact, I grew over six feet tall, but in college, there were quite a few tall guys and being tall wasn't the novelty it used to be in school. When I joined IHM, Goa, I wasn't even the only ‘Ian' there. Suddenly, everything that gave me the illusion of uniqueness and singularity, was gone. For the first time in my life, I found out that I was like anyone else. Truth be told, I realized I was pretty average a guy. I had chosen a field of study which didn't need a lot of smarts. I got average grades. I spoke decent English but it wasn't something which was too special in a place like Goa. I was disillusioned with myself.

For the first time, I saw myself as just another guy. And it was unbearable. That's where the hunger started. I started looking for ways to feel special about myself. Special and unique. Mentioning the combination here has relevance because I felt the need to be uniquely special. So instead of concentrating on getting good grades or getting popular, I dedicated my energy to getting a whimsical reputation and being infamous. And funnily, somewhere between trying to be cool and managing to be weird, I lost my uniqueness. I became a caricature of myself. Needless to say, my college days weren't the highlight of my existence.

It was after I started working that I began to find my place in the scheme of things. Ironically, I got sorted when I stopped caring about it. Maybe it was a part of growing up. I stopped caring about how people saw me and started concentrating solely on living a decent life. I cared less and less about feeling special and more about feeling alive. Eventually, I started meeting people who appreciated me when I wasn't looking for appreciation. And that made me feel special because that was real. We all need to feel special and unique but pursuing it might not be a great idea. Believing it even when life isn't giving you a reason to, is important.