My Ailment...

For as long as I can remember, I have been depressed. I look happy and at times, I really am. But the happiness doesn't last long. I go back to my state of dismay. I have tried to understand it and failed. Something inside me keeps me sad. And it doesn't change. I just get distracted from it for short periods of time. 

The distractions come in various shapes and forms. In the beginning, it was a person. And then it was a crisis. Now, its stories, one after another. I have to immerse myself in fiction to stop feeling sad. The first distraction was a girl. And eventually, my fights with her kept me distracted. One crisis after another, I remember. We kept getting into trouble. 

Over time, nobody else could distract me like she did. So I had to resort to other substitutes. Problems. I realized that I forget my depression when am in trouble. But eventually, I grew over that as well. I was getting 'too old for that crap". Ha ha.

So I started watching movies and TV shows. Initially just watching something was sufficient to keep my mind off my vortex of sadness, but soon even that wasn't enough. So I started multitasking. I would keep playing games on my phone while I watched a TV series. Eventually, I got desensitized to that as well. So I started immersing myself in my job.

Even that backfired. The hardest time for me is when I am all alone. I have tried to understand the root of my depression and I have failed. I just can't pin it on any one incident in my life. At first, I used to believe that my restlessness was because of my desire to make something of myself. But now that I am somewhat settled, and have a job and a life of my own, it still persists.

I look normal and unless you've been very close to me, you won't notice how it affects me. I have never been able to make many friends. The few friends that I have came into my life accidentally. I am not a very social person. That's because I find it impossible to feel excited about things that are happening around me. I wasn't always like this but I have grown into it. And now, I don't think I can change.

I have wondered whether psychiatric help would make any difference. I feel this void inside me, a void that can't be filled. Binge eating used to help but I'm afraid I have eaten myself into a physical state where I can't really continue doing that. I have not been living in denial. I have acknowledged my problem for a long time. I just don't know what to do about it. 

I have tried various methods of self-therapy, this blog being one of them. But nothing seems to work for long. I am not suicidal, this is not that kind of a depression. I am just unable to attain a state of happiness. It is especially a problem now because I have come to the conclusion that this lifestyle of self-loathing and self-sabotage can't be sustained. It will lead me into a chasm of problems where escaping might not even be an option. So, I am looking for a way out.