On Being a Bad Boy...

There are times when I absolutely loathe myself. But then that can be said about any of us, right? Actually I have often found myself being a bad guy. Its not something I do wilfully. I just do.

I have a healthy moral compass most of the time, but more often than not, it turns itself off. I do things that are bad and I don't even regret doing them. I just muse about what I did and analyse it like I am doing currently.

Another side of it is the fact that I can make incredibly sudden and unpredictable decisions that are borderline illogical even. And then I am forced to live with the consequences. Anyways, to counter it all, I try being good as much as I can.

I kinda believe that my mind perceives my life as utterly boring and hence forces me into one crisis or the other so that it keeps getting the exercise that it needs trying to save my ass from the problem it got me into. A bit complicated, ain't it?

But that's how life is. At least my life is that way.

Then there are the good deeds that feel wrong and the supposedly bad deeds that feel deliciously right. I have spent quite some time trying to be politically correct. Conclusion: Not my cup of tea!

What's good and what's bad? The line separating the two becomes dangerously thin and inconsequential when you look at life from a real world perspective. The heart wants what the heart wants.

And at the end of it all comes guilt. Guilt doesn't come very easily to me. But when it does, it hits me pretty hard. But ironically, it never hits me at the right time. That is the cause of some colossally stupid decisions on my part, decisions that can never be undone.

When I was a child, I often had these philosophical doubts regarding morality. Somehow things didn't make much sense to me. You see, what really clouds our judgement when it comes to making moral choices is the "self".

The "self" is tricky. I have already discussed the forbidden fruit. That is an important factor that sways the "self". It can be about ego, envy or just pure simple gratification, at the heart of it all is the yearning for pleasurable.

Kind of reminds me of a thought that passed my mind when I was gorging on a large meaty pizza once, " How can this be wrong if it feels so good?"

So that is the conclusion: We can't go about our lives looking back analytically at what's wrong and what's right, we must judge how it feels. After all, we just have this one life. (Naughty grin!)