How I Grew Quieter As I Grew Up...
So, those of you who knew me between 2001 and 2007 must remember what I was like. I was very talkative, often ended up being the brunt of all jokes and frankly didn't give a shit about that. Well, happy days! And if you haven't actually interacted with me since then, you might have a hard time getting used to me now.
I don't talk as much.
Even though I often say this, it's not true that I ran out of things to say as I grew up. I just ran out of the energy to speak up about the things I had in mind. Now I don't know whether my peers can relate to this or not. Frankly many of my friends actually found their voices as they matured. I, on the other hand, lost mine.
After a long hard week, it's Sunday again. So I guess it is time for some soul searching. At 7AM in the morning, here I am, awake and worrying about how I am gonna get through the week ahead. That's my life now.
Anyway, where was I? So, I was telling you about how I lost my voice. It didn't happen overnight but rather gradually. I risk sounding like an old man but after the things I've seen, I kind of lost the zeal I had for life in earlier days.
In the eight years after 2007, I have seen three soul-crushing years of college, a nasty break-up, one really bad relationship, another good relationship that I sabotaged with my own hands and five very scary years of being on my own feet.
I have dedicated quite a few posts about how everything started going downhill for me in college, so I will take this one in a different direction. After college ended, the worst thing that could happen to me happened. I got disillusioned with my vocation and due to a series of unfortunate events, I got stuck in a job that I didn't feel all that passionate about.
Even though, I worked hard and persevered to make the best of it, things never changed for the better for me on an emotional level. I made lemonade of lemons wherever I could and even with visible prosperity, my career didn't bring with it the pleasure that I expected it to.
This started creating voids in my life, voids that I tried to fill up with my usual routine of binge eating and sabotaging my relationships. At one point, I realized that I had to keep jumping from one crisis to another to another if I was to continue feeling alive. That kind of lifestyle is bound to take it's toll.
And it did. I lost my former self.
Self doubt, insecurities and paranoia started taking over my life a little by little and I didn't even realize it until it was too late. At this point of time, there were only a handful of people with whom I felt comfortable enough to have a conversation like the earlier days, but even they were inaccessible most of the time.
So, I adapted. I started internalizing all that I was feeling till I stopped feeling the need to speak things out. This blog has served like a vent for a lot of things I don't say out loud but even so, I am still a quiet person in my day to day life and there are like a hundred things that I keep buried down, a hundred things that I feel aren't worth talking about.
Like how I feel constantly exploited at my job, like how I regret so many things I did to people who loved me, like how I feel I am not a good enough person to deserve the people I have in my life, like how I miss a few friends that I've kinda 'lost' over time and how I feel so incomplete all the time.
These are just a few of the many things I don't talk about and I ought to.
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