NOT the Man of Your Dreams...

I am not the man of your dreams. I am not the man of any girl's dream for that matter. I was just browsing my FB wall and I came across the picture of a cousin with her husband, where she is singing and her hubby is playing the guitar and I thought to myself, "These guys are such a well-suited match." And that reminded me of the several times my girlfriend wanted to do something that I wasn't really into. Like visit a local monument or go furniture shopping. Hence, the realization.

I am a rather boring person who isn't interested in a lot of things. I spend a crazy amount of time being stressed out about my job. Very few things actually make me happy and lately, I have been becoming more anti-social than ever. My pessimism has helped me cultivate a somewhat practical approach that's required for my job but other than that, it has affected all other aspects of my life negatively.

I have traced the source of all my cynicism back to my college days. That's when my dreams and passions were snuffed out, systematically. It wasn't my college's fault. It had something to do with how I perceived the revelation that my life would never end up the way I'd fathomed it would. I eventually accepted it and adapted. But a little part of me died, somewhere between margin negotiations and sales forecasting. I have often tried to give it a positive spin to cheer myself up about who I am today and what I'm doing. But the fact remains that my job is eating me from the inside.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me what I'd do if I could just quit my job and pursue a different career. I told her and she laughed incredulously. And her laugh was quite justified. My only real passion is creative writing. And there's no future in that, at least not a sure-shot one. And knowing that depresses me.

But, I digress.

So, I have been depressed for quite a while now. I have actually written about this in an earlier post. Now you know why. And it has affected my life in a big way. Especially my romantic relationships. You see, my biggest concern for the last several months has been to keep this lovely stranger, that fate brought into my life, happy. And somewhere in my heart I've been feeling like I am not doing a great job of it. And that bugs the hell out of me. In spite of my cynicism and pessimism, I'm rather idiosyncratic about being good at what I do. Be it my job as a territory in-charge for an apparel brand or my role as a boyfriend, I like to do it well.

But, I am not the ideal partner. It helps that my girlfriend is easy to please, but still, I'd like to do it right. I don't play the guitar or write poetry, (at least, not anymore) and I am positively indifferent to many things that she likes to do. She and I, we see the world from two very distinctly different angles. And I have a feeling that that'd have been the case even if I were with someone else. And it seriously bothers me.

Now, I have kind of forgotten where I was leading up to with this. So I am left behind with only the self-realization and a feeling of inadequacy. At times, I am very jealous of these couples who seem so sorted. But am well aware that I'd never be exactly like that. Because it's life, not a movie. I could try to be a little more happier. My girlfriend thinks that could help.

So that's it from my side for now. You guys can go back to doing whatever you crazy kids were doing before you started reading and I'd go back to basking in my own imperfection.

Au revoir!