Just Another Day in Life

I have been away for weeks. I just couldn't get myself to type a word. Have been battling with some inner demons. And the thing is, I don't think I am winning. I am stressed out all the time. Things around me just seem to be getting worse. There is just so many things in my life that seem to be spiraling out of control. Take my job for example. As usual, I am doing all I can to perform well, but nothing seems to make the bosses happy. 

There's a restructuring going on in the company's operations in my territory and I am having a hard time dealing with the new people I am coming across. They might not be hostile but a few of them are strangely wily. They just keep speaking in riddles and ridicules. My girlfriend tells me that it is an issue with me, that I am letting them mess with my head. I just don't know how not to.

I am a straight-forward guy. I don't understand taunts and back-handed comments. And most of all, I am bad at shutting people up. I just taking everything with a polite smile. And I let the things people say keep eating me up from the inside. And it has been hell lately. I have a boss who doesn't seem to understand my problems. My problems feel too hard to solve. I even went to a shrink. But all the psycho-analysis and the medication doesn't seem to be working too well. I am actually suicidal today.

Sometimes, it is just too difficult, this life. Just yesterday, I was having a sort of philosophical discussion with an elderly gentleman where we established that life is hard for everyone. But I couldn't help thinking, "What about people?" I have seen way too many burnouts in my life to believe that it is the same for everyone. I have people close to me who just succumbed to life. And it has been my biggest fear that I might end up like that. Well, I still might.

Ever since I can remember, I have been plagued by this fear of authority and low self-esteem. That stops me from raising my voice in situations where I don't think people are being fair towards me. This has been affecting my life greatly these days, on the professional front. And that in turn has been wreaking havoc in my personal life. I am just too difficult to deal with, I think.

I have been trying to convince myself that all this is just a part of life but am not able to. I feel like everything is just crumbling around me. I wake up everyday, scared at what new horror the day might hold for me. I have no appetite for food or romance. I am living like a corpse. I laugh at things but the laughter doesn't seep into my soul. I am afraid I might break down beyond repair if I keep up the pretense. I am not happy and I don't think I'll ever be.