Being One of the "Other Other Guys"...

Praveer (left), Anjaneya (right) & I: Goofing Around at Miramar, Aug, 2010

There was this group of boys and girls in my college who ruled the scene. They were pretty or rich or both. And I guess some of them were smart as well. If you're having a problem identifying them, these were the guys who still post sepia-filtered pictures on Instagram showing a group of them at some shack in Candolim, sipping wine and cocktails, looking pretty. I think you got who I am talking about.

And then there were the "other guys". They were not all that rich or pretty but they had the advantage of numbers. They hailed from in and around the state and they stuck together. They would only speak in their mother-tongue and when in groups, loved to bully people around. They would create fake profiles on Facebook to talk shit about the creamy layer guys, the ones I mentioned in the first paragraph.

And then were the other other guys, guys like me. Guys who didn't really fit in all the time. We just didn't belong there. We were not pretty or rich enough to fit into the creamy layer and we were from parts of the country that were considered "backward", so the second group didn't want us too. A few of these other other guys worked really hard through the years to blend in and a few even succeeded. Some because of their innate charm and others by relentless ass-kissing. But there were quite a few like me, who kinda didn't have the patience to kiss ass or the inclination to even try that hard.

Speaking for myself, I started out as a socially awkward guy with a love for attention that ultimately always got me into trouble. I wanted to have friends but I think I always had too much of an opinion of my own to actually bend in to others' views. Cynical opinions at that. 

So by the end of the first semester, my only friends were a few other cynics and rejects like myself. We were rejects now, but that wasn't our identity. Many of these guys were actually quite bright and frankly deserved a lot more attention at the hands of their peers. But alas! that attention never came. And soon they started losing their former selves to feelings of self-doubt and underestimation. That is when I actually understood the relevance of the concept of "self". And also the sheer futility of it. 

They say that college days are time for self-realization. This article is about my journey, through the bitterness and the anonymity that college brought, towards self-realization & discovery. 

Like I was saying, we were lost somewhere in the ruthless folds of social strata and the discrimination that it brought. Everyday was a fight for recognition, so much so that it felt like we were starting to forget ourselves. I had been a performer all through school, always a front runner at events in school. But the stage here in college was dominated by a bunch of people who wouldn't even let us stand on the edge of it. The working was simple. The seniors who dominated the stage chose their descendants from among the social classes that had already been set and it was apparent that we had already been judged out. Their decisions stuck all through the years to come.

So, I decided to concentrate my energy on something else. I had recently become single, so I found myself a romantic relationship, a girl to concentrate upon. She was an underdog, and I had always had a thing for underdogs. I do realize how douchey this makes me sound but that is how it all happened. I zeroed in on her. She was a rebound that stuck for the next 3 years just because we were stuck together in college. 

But a relationship can only keep you occupied for so long. Soon, the situation started bothering me. I was really bugged by the fact that I had become a nobody. I started thinking, analyzing and scrutinizing the possible reasons for what was happening. Add to that the fact that I was in the process of growing up. I was crossing my teens and entering my twenties. I already carried a lot of demons in my heart before college. Imagine what all this was doing to me.

I started rationalizing like we all do. I started convincing myself that maybe I had been over-estimating myself up until this moment. Maybe this was what I was actually worth. After all, I argued with myself, I was from a very small town and slightly smart looked very smart to the people there. Classic self-depreciating thoughts. I wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I kept thinking: I have been taking "me" way too seriously. Who was I? Just another guy. I didn't look as good as some of my classmates, neither was I rich like some others, what right did I have to carry a pompous self image or express my opinions in front of others?

These thoughts actually made me grow less talkative, which in retrospect, is maybe the only one good thing that came out of it all. I had grown very confident in the one year between my leaving high school and joining college. I had spent that year doing a vocational course and participation in a lot of events as a freelancing host. The 3 years of college kinda killed that spirit. 

But it wasn't all bad. When you hit rock bottom, things can only go upwards from there. And that is what happened in the 3rd year of college, especially during job placement interviews. I got some recognition among my peers when I started cracking interviews one after the other. Being in people's radar after having been ignored for so long kind of gives you a perspective, a humble one. Luckily, the years that followed were quite kind to me, save for a few bumps here and there and I gradually redeveloped my self-esteem once I started doing well professionally.

In a way, being one of the other other guys taught me a lot of things, but I don't think I should bore you with more excruciating details. It was all a part of growing up. Many other underdogs among my peers are doing really well for themselves and that's an amazing thing to watch. It makes you proud.

This article is dedicated to my fellow travelers, Praveer, Vicky, Prathamesh, Anjaneya, Nitin and Vineet. You guys are the best and it was a pleasure suffering through those years because you guys were around.