A Bowl of Elusive

Around the year 2011, I suddenly realized that I was a grown up. My last year of college was coming to an end and I had to find a job and start earning soon. It was all becoming very real very fast. College had been a hell of a ride. Not all good (like I have told you earlier) but not all bad either. And soon, I was immersed in another life and never looked back. Not until recently, when a fellow mate from the first year of college accused me of having played a pivotal role in making his college experience traumatic. His message read: "May God forgive you for all the bad that you did to me during our stay at Goa." This got me thinking. As far as I remembered, this was a scrawny little fellow who was bullied very often due to his small size and a knack of getting on people's nerves with his weird behavior. I myself was victimized very often in college and with so much shit of my own to deal with, I never stopped to consider how this guy must be feeling about wh...

Praveer (left), Anjaneya (right) & I: Goofing Around at Miramar, Aug, 2010 There was this group of boys and girls in my college who ruled the scene. They were pretty or rich or both. And I guess some of them were smart as well. If you're having a problem identifying them, these were the guys who still post sepia-filtered pictures on Instagram showing a group of them at some shack in Candolim, sipping wine and cocktails, looking pretty. I think you got who I am talking about. And then there were the "other guys". They were not all that rich or pretty but they had the advantage of numbers. They hailed from in and around the state and they stuck together. They would only speak in their mother-tongue and when in groups, loved to bully people around. They would create fake profiles on Facebook to talk shit about the creamy layer guys, the ones I mentioned in the first paragraph. And then were the other other guys, guys like me. Guys who didn't really fit ...

If you have read my earlier posts, you'd know that I have a rather liberated view about everything sexual. A certain friend and I have had quite a few heated arguments on this matter. She thinks that I advocate perversion in the name of an open mind. But I beg to differ. I just shun the misguidance that is propagated by our culture. I am writing this article after the government's recent attempted ban on porn. A lot has been said about that online, so I will not put up my views on that matter. Instead, I will talk about sex in general and the way our society looks at it. Right from an early age, we are directly or indirectly taught to think of anything related to sex as "bad/immoral". This, actually is the root of all evil, come to think of it. For instance, when you are asked to stay off junk food, that's when you crave it the most. The same applies to almost everything else. The only difference is that junk food is definitely harmful for us whereas sex i...

There are times when I absolutely loathe myself. But then that can be said about any of us, right? Actually I have often found myself being a bad guy. Its not something I do wilfully. I just do. I have a healthy moral compass most of the time, but more often than not, it turns itself off. I do things that are bad and I don't even regret doing them. I just muse about what I did and analyse it like I am doing currently. Another side of it is the fact that I can make incredibly sudden and unpredictable decisions that are borderline illogical even. And then I am forced to live with the consequences. Anyways, to counter it all, I try being good as much as I can. I kinda believe that my mind perceives my life as utterly boring and hence forces me into one crisis or the other so that it keeps getting the exercise that it needs trying to save my ass from the problem it got me into. A bit complicated, ain't it? But that's how life is. At least my life is that way...

The pursuit of happiness has always been a tricky one. I am no one special. I am an average guy born to average difficulties like any other person. But I don't stay happy. Now I am not sure whether other people do but I'd like to think so. Otherwise, what's the point of living?  I do experience bouts of happiness every now and then but it is usually followed by patches of melancholy. I don't understand it. Although my life had a rocky start, things kept getting better. It was more or less a smooth ride since my eleventh year, but joy always eluded me. Other people seemed to notice it too. I put up a happy face all through childhood and even became the class clown, but I could never manage to make or keep many friends. I had a lot of admirers though, and for quite some time, the attention I got from them kept me going. But attention is no substitute for self-esteem. My self-worth or rather the lack of it kept on eating me from inside. It affected everything, ...

How fast and superficial this world has become! It took me 10 years to finally appreciate that moment, the beauty and the wonder of it - my first time. I have often thought about the day. I have even written about it but I never stopped for a moment to take it all in, to feel the intensity of it all. After all, it was my first time. My first time experiencing an act that I was biologically programmed for, an act that is as beautiful and enigmatic, irrespective of how you look at it. Look at it from the eyes of a lover and its passion. Observe it as a scientist and you see evolution. But for a couple of 15-year-olds, it was sheer adventure, something new something they yearned for. When people talk about sex, they make the mistake of thinking about it just as a deed. The adjective describing this deed in their opinion is decided by various factors like their upbringing, their cultural ideas about sex. But for a man and a woman wrapped in each other arms, sex is more than a d...

I am not a fan of philosophy but I can't help speculating on certain concepts. The forbidden fruit, for instance. I have noticed it in myself, the urge to do things I am not supposed to. Its like right and wrong just seize to exist in that moment, that decisive moment when an opportunity to do something forbidden presents itself. I am a pretty level headed guy. I avoid rash decisions as much as possible. But I have done some crazy shit in my time, most of them because I wasn't supposed to do them and that made them irresistible. Be it a devilish greasy pizza loaded with cheese or your girlfriends flirty best friend, the urge to bite into the forbidden fruit comes in various shapes, sizes & forms. Someone once told me, "The best way to battle a temptation is to yield to it." I had laughed at the statement back then but now that I am older, I think that logic makes a lot of sense. I think not being able to resist the forbidden fruit is a basic instinct, ...