What I Really Think…

Often, what you really think is not the wisest thing to say out loud. So we end up internalizing a lot of shit. It happens to all of us. It harms us psychologically. But hey, who cares about psychology in a country where the run for basic needs is an all-consuming affair. I have no statistical data here, but I think it is safe to assume that the number of messed up psyches that we have in India is way higher than any place else.

With that note, let me tell you what this article is going to be about. I am going to reveal what I really think about things, because frankly, I think keeping them inside is unhealthy. And it is gonna be fun because I have a really active mind with a whole lot of opinions which do not line up with the conventional way of thought. And I am going to be very systematic about it. I will break my opinions up into sections by topic and relevance. So here goes…

POLITICS

I grew up with the belief that this country was a secular one. I identify with that ideology. And because I do, I don’t care for the current Prime Minister. He is quite clearly a man with a dictatorial agenda and a fanatical mindset. I don’t think I want my country to be governed by someone with those ideals. That being said, I am aware that I am just one man and my opinion doesn’t affect anything. So anyone who wants to discuss politics with me, please refrain. And FYI, I don’t particularly support any political party.

SPORTS

I have never been athletic or very interested in sports. So, people who discuss it, for hours on end, annoy me. I might sit there looking interested and I might have opinions too, but the truth is: I don’t care about. Like not at all. I have enjoyed the occasional game or two but that is it.

FINANCES

I care about money but it doesn’t drive my life. I am a little neurotic about my finances in general. And that is because I would hate to starve, but I am not into shares or major investments. I do worry about my future though, sometimes I am downright paranoid but that’s because I am scared I would end up broke like so many people do. In fact, it is this fear that drives me to work every day. Ha ha.

CAREER

This one is going to be a little funny. My boss might be reading this. He asked me once about my goal in life. Today I really don’t have one. You see, earlier I too was dreamy. I am talking about school days. I had so much ambition in me. But being the pessimist (often read “realist”) that I am, my ambitions kept getting smaller and smaller as I grew up. 

Many of my colleagues see themselves as the head of companies or organizations down 20 years. I, on the other hand, just aspire for peace of mind. I often look at the CEO & VP of my company and wonder if I’d be able to handle the kind of a life. I know this reads terribly for any potential employers reading this, but I swear this, in no way reflects on my work ethics. I work hard and with dedication. I am a stickler for perfection and that often keeps me stressed because people around are usually not. I just like peace of mind. 

STRESS

You see, there’s a reason why I have placed this section after “Career”. Anyone of you who has known me in the past few years knows how stressed I usually am. What you might not know is that I have been diagnosed with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”. Well, it just means that I tend to get worried about stuff. Add to this the fact that I like perfection in things, so I get really bothered at almost everything. Also I worry in anticipation and that can be hell at times.

Usually, my anxiety begins when I am assigned any work, irrespective of my competence. And it just spirals upwards from there. I am learning to control it though. I almost have it under control since the last few months. I have even stopped the medication after consulting my psychiatrist.

LOVE

This has been a difficult topic for me all my life. I have often toyed with the idea of love but have never been sure if I was in love. Sure I care for people. I long for people too. I just find it difficult to label what I feel. I often feel like my feelings don’t fall under the strict definitions of the word “love”. So, frankly I wouldn’t know if I love anyone or not. It’s just how I am. But you can definitely find out if I care for you. And since I don’t really have a deeper level, you should be content with it. 

SEX

Over the years, my views about sex have evolved a lot. But I was never shy or conservative about this topic. Having grown up without over-involved parental figures, I developed a very independent view about things. I experimented with stuff and formed my own ideas about sex and sexuality, ideas that sometimes scare/surprise people around me. But there is just one major opinion of mine regarding this that I want to put forward in this platform: Sex is natural. Period. It is not wrong to talk or think about it. In fact, sex has nothing to do with right or wrong, morality or religion. I believe our country’s habit of linking up sex with religion, morals, character, etc is erroneous. Frankly, sex shouldn’t even be linked with love. I mean love and sex are not co-dependent. And the sooner we understand it, the better it is.

SANITY

Insanity runs in my family, on my mother’s side. But thankfully, I’ve been quite sane, until now at least. But the idea that I might have a bit of crazy in me really scares me at times. I keep putting checks on my erratic habits. It sounds funny when I say it out loud, I know, but imagine how terrifying it can be to harbor a perennial fear of going insane. 

I don’t know whether you had noticed it about me. But this is who I am.

My, my…this post has run rather long. I wonder if anyone would even read it till the end.