Oblivious to Love: "KRITIKA & I"

"Kritika" & I: A Long Time Ago

An old flame (Lets call her Kritika!) recently felt insulted when I referred to her as "an underdog" in one of my articles. This surprised me. She missed the whole essence of my writing. When I call you an "underdog", you must take it as a compliment. Because I myself am an underdog. I have always been one. I wrote back to her, "Its the underdogs of the world who actually rule it." I totally stand by that philosophy. 

Anyway, the whole incident kinda got me thinking. I've written about all the significant people who've shared part of my life with me, except Kritika. That's not fair, is it? So here it is.

Long term relationships are like drugs. You get addicted to them. You get addicted to the comfort level that you share with that person. You get addicted to being desired. So when you break up with that person, it feels like withdrawal and you start craving for "the drug". Loneliness feels unbearable. You try to be with the first girl that catches your fancy. Its not a wise idea. And I'm speaking from experience.

Kritika was my rebound girlfriend. I met her in college right after I broke up with my first love. So, it goes something like this. I saw Kritika and liked her for who she was. I pursued her. She resisted. But I was persistent. And I was 18. About a week or so of wooing later, she agreed to go out with me. It could have been the beginning of a life-long thing, had I not been so adamant on making her like my first. And that was how I started screwing it up.

I was desperate to reach that level of comfort and intimacy with Kritika that I had shared with her predecessor. In the hurry, I missed out on a lot of important things. While busy comparing her to my ex, I missed my chance of discovering an amazing new person. There were like ten different ways in which I was screwing it up. I kept on coaxing her into intimacy beyond her comfort zone. You can't rush certain things. With my first girlfriend, it had taken years of long conversations and getting to know each other before we became intimate. And here I was trying to reach there with Kritika in a matter of months and weeks. 

Even so, she didn't leave. But I was just too obsessed with the idea of being in love to actually notice that I'd found love again. I got her to move in with me within six months. It was still not too late. We had been getting along well. But I was too hung up on my ex at that point of time. I kept rambling about things I liked about her predecessor and thus started making Kritika self conscious. She slowly started changing herself. She was a simple girl (maybe the reason why I called her an underdog) and I liked her for it. But I had set the wheels in motion by making her insecure.

She started dressing up fancy, wearing make-up and working on her looks. It worked for her. She did become more confident eventually. I wasn't solely responsible for her insecurities but I think I was a big part of it. Especially because I tried to stop her from trying to change. Even there, my motives were misguided. My ex had then been a no-make up kind of girl and I wanted the exact same thing in Kritika. I know this story doesn't show me in a very good light, but nothing can be done about it now.

I was too busy sabotaging the relationship to notice that she was just as amazing a person as anyone else. She was kind, decent and really into me in the beginning. I could have actually had love again, had I just for a moment stopped dwelling in the past.

And it took me years to realize that. Even though I was mostly nice to her and even cared for her genuinely to some extent, my relationship with Kritika could have been so much more than it was, had it not been a rebound. It still lasted three years before fizzling out. Three miserable years that would have turned out completely different had they not been overshadowed by my past. 

When Kritika and I broke up, I deliberately acted like a douche-bag so that it would be easier for her to cope with it. And my plan worked. Within a year, she found someone who made her happy and moved abroad. I think she still resents me for everything, but she really shouldn't. It all worked out for the best for her. 

She should be thankful for everything, because even if things had gone differently and she and I had ended up together for life, I'm not that easy to be with. My wife can vouch for that! Ha ha.