Why Am I Here?

I have been feeling lonely lately. Let me rephrase that: I have been pretty lonely lately. And this isn't just any loneliness, it's existential loneliness. In simple words, I've been feeling like I have no one and nothing to live for. Just today, after many days of hectic work, I found some time to sit back and relax, and I found myself searching for the purpose of life - on YouTube, like the lost millennial that I am. I came across some videos by Sadhguru and the like, but they were way too vague for my taste. You see, my question isn't existential or figurative, its more literal. I am looking for a reason to live, and I don't see one.

I am just curious to know, what do people live for? What is the whole purpose of us being here? See, I have always been a bit of a skeptic, never bought into the concept of a deity or a higher power. And in the last few years, I lost most of the people I felt connected to. Wasn't all to Death, so don't be sorry for me. And now, here I am, living just for myself and unable to see the point of it. Those who know me, know that I have never really loved myself. I have several people telling me that I should learn to; but believe me, that is a lost cause. Let's just say that I am wired not to.

So I have always looked for anchors, usually, people who could make me feel relevant and alive. If you've been following my blog, you have come across several stories about people who mattered to me. But now, with a strange turn of events, I have no one to call my own. And I am reminded of my grandfather's definition of a "man" - someone who supports more than just himself, someone who is dependable. It was a very simple definition that drove him every day, to live and thrive. I, being the orphan who landed in his care at a young impressionable age, imbibed his ideologies and it helped, until recently. 

My downward spiral began a couple of years ago when tragedy struck my family another time, in the form of my uncle's second brain tumor diagnosis. Was I all settled and happy before that? Not exactly, but relatively yes. And then, he suffered for months of paralysis before succumbing to his illness and passing away. Death has a way of killing people who survive it. My grandmother's health quickly deteriorated after my uncle's death. After all, he was one of her last living relatives too. Soon after, another personal tragedy happened, which I don't want to talk about. 

That brings us to today, where I find myself living alone in Jaipur, a beautiful city that I am too busy to explore and too lonely to have the heart to explore. The ironical part of it, like always, is that I am doing very well professionally. I am in a new job, where I am paid better and have new challenges at work, but I have never felt this alone before this. And that is coming from a guy who was orphaned at ten years of age. I think back then, forming the few relationships, however codependent and symbiotic, helped with the loneliness. 

I have been thinking about it from various angles. I have mulled over my purpose in the greater scheme of things and realized that I am irrelevant there too. You see, when I start looking for the meaning of life, not only do I not find it, but I end up questioning the meaning of others' lives too. We hustle and we rally, we bicker about things, we shout and struggle for mundane stuff. What's the end of it? Lately, I have just run out of reasons to live. 

That doesn't mean I'm suicidal. I am just rudderless. I keep trying to find things/relationships that would make life worthwhile, but as luck would have it, I fail miserably at that too. I have found myself wondering whether any good would ever happen to me. I hate to sound miserable, pathetic but I am failing at that too. When I set out to write this article, I wanted it to read like a letter of enlightenment. But alas, I am just complaining and crying about how pathetic my life is. How pathetic is that!

Sometimes I feel like I am falling behind in the race of life. Like there's too much to do and too little time. That makes me feel incompetent. Adds to my misery honestly. I have often tried to sneak a peek at others' lives, to see whether they have it any better. They usually don't but "at least they have people they live for". Quotes because that's what I say to myself. 

If you feel like the article has been a drag till this point, be prepared for more depressing stuff ahead. A recent failed relationship got me thinking about why I was trying to make it work in the first place. See its thoughts like this that screw you up. Why was I pursuing this person who didn't want me? Did I really want that relationship or did I pursue it only so I could get hurt by it? Did I enjoy being miserable? 

I have been told that I am incapable of being happy at the little good things that happen to me. I thought about it. I am unable to be ecstatic at these so-called little good things because they happen as a substitute for big good things that could have happened. For example, while I appreciated that I had my grandparents to raise me after my father died, I never thought I was too fortunate because if I were fortunate, I'd have parents who'd be alive and present. A demure and pessimistic view, isn't it? But isn't optimism just false reassurance?