A Bowl of Elusive

Have you ever wondered what is the point to all this? I am talking about life. Why do we live? What do we live for? Someone who had met me a decade ago would be surprised at my asking these questions. I believed in indulgent excesses and living for the decadent pleasures of life. By that, I mean food mostly. I had a small family, including my grandparents and uncle and I never gave death a thought. Then in the last decade, I lost all of them. I made some serious mistakes in life, hurt people in the process and here I am, at thirty years old, alone, regretful and as per the latest reports, diabetic. So, I am asking myself, what am I living for? All these years, I had something to look forward to, but now it is all gone. I have these feelings that I feel like sharing with people, but when I call them, words fail me. You see I am unable to express the extent of the loneliness I feel or the all-consuming pointlessness of life in general. Lately, I have been doing a little bit of cost-benef

My uncle died last August. His brain tumor had relapsed after eighteen years and even after a successful operation, his body couldn't bear the stress of the radiation therapy and his condition deteriorated in the months after and he breathed his last on 29th August, 2018. The months leading up to his demise were really stressful for the whole family. Seeing a man lose himself, being paralyzed and unable to speak, is hard. It didn't help that he was the last of my two closest family members. My grandmother was understandably shattered after his death. She soon started keeping unwell and has been bedridden ever since. A few days back, I woke up in the morning, dazed by a dream I'd had. In that dream, I shot my uncle several times in the chest and was trying to dispose of his body, while throwing a party to friends. I just couldn't hide his body well and I was terrified of people seeing what I'd done. I woke up, drenched in sweat. I couldn't understand why I