A Bowl of Elusive

There are times when I absolutely loathe myself. But then that can be said about any of us, right? Actually I have often found myself being a bad guy. Its not something I do wilfully. I just do. I have a healthy moral compass most of the time, but more often than not, it turns itself off. I do things that are bad and I don't even regret doing them. I just muse about what I did and analyse it like I am doing currently. Another side of it is the fact that I can make incredibly sudden and unpredictable decisions that are borderline illogical even. And then I am forced to live with the consequences. Anyways, to counter it all, I try being good as much as I can. I kinda believe that my mind perceives my life as utterly boring and hence forces me into one crisis or the other so that it keeps getting the exercise that it needs trying to save my ass from the problem it got me into. A bit complicated, ain't it? But that's how life is. At least my life is that way...

The pursuit of happiness has always been a tricky one. I am no one special. I am an average guy born to average difficulties like any other person. But I don't stay happy. Now I am not sure whether other people do but I'd like to think so. Otherwise, what's the point of living?  I do experience bouts of happiness every now and then but it is usually followed by patches of melancholy. I don't understand it. Although my life had a rocky start, things kept getting better. It was more or less a smooth ride since my eleventh year, but joy always eluded me. Other people seemed to notice it too. I put up a happy face all through childhood and even became the class clown, but I could never manage to make or keep many friends. I had a lot of admirers though, and for quite some time, the attention I got from them kept me going. But attention is no substitute for self-esteem. My self-worth or rather the lack of it kept on eating me from inside. It affected everything, ...

How fast and superficial this world has become! It took me 10 years to finally appreciate that moment, the beauty and the wonder of it - my first time. I have often thought about the day. I have even written about it but I never stopped for a moment to take it all in, to feel the intensity of it all. After all, it was my first time. My first time experiencing an act that I was biologically programmed for, an act that is as beautiful and enigmatic, irrespective of how you look at it. Look at it from the eyes of a lover and its passion. Observe it as a scientist and you see evolution. But for a couple of 15-year-olds, it was sheer adventure, something new something they yearned for. When people talk about sex, they make the mistake of thinking about it just as a deed. The adjective describing this deed in their opinion is decided by various factors like their upbringing, their cultural ideas about sex. But for a man and a woman wrapped in each other arms, sex is more than a d...

I am not a fan of philosophy but I can't help speculating on certain concepts. The forbidden fruit, for instance. I have noticed it in myself, the urge to do things I am not supposed to. Its like right and wrong just seize to exist in that moment, that decisive moment when an opportunity to do something forbidden presents itself. I am a pretty level headed guy. I avoid rash decisions as much as possible. But I have done some crazy shit in my time, most of them because I wasn't supposed to do them and that made them irresistible. Be it a devilish greasy pizza loaded with cheese or your girlfriends flirty best friend, the urge to bite into the forbidden fruit comes in various shapes, sizes & forms. Someone once told me, "The best way to battle a temptation is to yield to it." I had laughed at the statement back then but now that I am older, I think that logic makes a lot of sense. I think not being able to resist the forbidden fruit is a basic instinct, ...

For as long as I can remember, I have been depressed. I look happy and at times, I really am. But the happiness doesn't last long. I go back to my state of dismay. I have tried to understand it and failed. Something inside me keeps me sad. And it doesn't change. I just get distracted from it for short periods of time.  The distractions come in various shapes and forms. In the beginning, it was a person. And then it was a crisis. Now, its stories, one after another. I have to immerse myself in fiction to stop feeling sad. The first distraction was a girl. And eventually, my fights with her kept me distracted. One crisis after another, I remember. We kept getting into trouble.  Over time, nobody else could distract me like she did. So I had to resort to other substitutes. Problems. I realized that I forget my depression when am in trouble. But eventually, I grew over that as well. I was getting 'too old for that crap". Ha ha. So I started watching movies ...

I don't claim to be an expert in anything. That would just be arrogance. But I write about things I have seen and experienced and hence I feel that I have the right to discuss it. I have spent the last year in the trade wing of a readymade garment brand. And I realised that all plans and agendas that are agreed upon in the beginning of a period are invariably flushed down the toilet by the end of that period. The bottom line is always sales. How much are we selling at the end? So much so that, for the company I work for, nothing else matters, not even the satisfaction of the buyer. And the most ridiculous thing about it all is the fact that the buyers are harangued to pay for goods that was billed to them without their full consent. Promises are made and not kept. And all this is done by the representatives of a very prestigious company. All this happens after months of endless reports, analysis and crunching of data. How can a company carry on neglecting the basi...

I think a month has passed since I last posted. I have been busy. Had to travel a lot in the past few weeks. But its all good. So the other day, my phone finally died. It had been a faithful companion for over two years. I knew its time was close so there wasn't much grief. I went online to find me a new companion. I chose the OnePlus One. In fact, I am posting from my phone right now. It feels quite wholesome. You know how negative I can get at times. So I was quite skeptical at first about this device. But the amazing specs won me over. Anyways I think I will come back with a review soon. For now, I just wanna let you all know that I am alive and kicking. Ciao!!