Shackles for My Desire...

Measuring the degree of how much I want something has always been a challenge for me. I do understand the difference between yearning and obsession but I'm afraid my definitions may vary a little from the societal norms. You see I tend to be a little intense with my feelings.

It usually plays out well for me because there's not a lot I want in life. But sometimes it becomes painful, especially when I have no control over the causality of things. That happens when its SOMEONE I'm yearning for. Because the way of the heart can be treacherous and all consuming.

If I like you, I like you. There's not much in my control after that. I don't just get infatuated easily, only to be disillusioned later. I often know what I want and when I come across it, I'd pursue it through heavens and hell, through good and bad, through suffering and joy, because it's worth all that.

But there's another side to it. An ugly one. I have never had things easy. And that makes me restless and insecure. I've found myself wishing for constant reassurance. Now that's where life gets difficult. You see, if it were a gadget I was fancying, I'd get it and be happy that I had it. I'd look at it when I got home and be happy that it was there. But when it's a person, she has a mind of her own, her own aspirations and motivations that guide her actions. She won't always want to talk to you or hear from you, however much she likes you.

And the funny thing is that you like her for her individuality, her spirit and her mind. So you can't really complain about her being herself, can you? So that's where the need to be content arises. Be content with all the good things you've already got. Be content with your desires. Be content with the promise of the day ahead.

Do look at your phone hopefully, when there's a notification, wishing it were a message from her. But don't get bothered when it's not. The very next one could be her. And even if it's not, be content with her memory, that'll get you through the ordeals of the day.

Somewhere along the way, your feelings will be paralleled and complimented by hers. Be calm and wait for that moment to arrive. Tell the universe you want her. Tell the universe you want good things for her. Tell the universe and it'll listen to you. Top that wish up with a smile, the smile that's on your lips because you're thinking about her, about her laughter and her zeal.

I realize that when I manage to tame the ugly inside of me, I rediscover the beauty of my feelings. The power of how I feel, the strength of desire and that racing heartbeat that'll keep me going.